So you want to be a rock star

Montreal Gazette
Sunday, August 29, 1993
By Greg Potter

VANCOUVER - Countless books, articles, audio tapes and videos have been produced with the good intention of providing self- help for aspiring rock gods.

This is yet another - and it won't help you, either.

In fact, the only advice you really need is this: "GOOD GOD! DON'T DO IT!"

But that would make this article far too short.

With that in mind, we offer an easy-to-understand, 10-step primer for anyone toying with the notion of becoming a professional musician.

Some of these tidbits are culled from personal experience (a.k.a., bitterness, vicariousness, malice, etc.) as a one-time musician and now an entertainment writer.

More importantly, we relay advice from those in the business. Here goes:

LESSON NO. 1: Talent Helps

Though Milli Vanilli cut classes the day this lesson was taught, it's generally not a bad idea to pawn yourself off as being at least semi-talented.

This can be accomplished in a number of ways. Lying, of course, is the easiest and sometimes the best.

On the other hand, you might want to actually develop your skills. Bill Clinton, for example, neglected his saxophone. Look where it landed him.

"You can't just say, `I want to do this because of the money or the fame.' You have to have some sort of a talent for it," said Randy Bachman, formerly of the Guess Who and BTO, now a solo artist.

"You have to enjoy doing it. When you hear about any `overnight success,' there's five, 10, 15 years behind that, whether you're a musician, an actor or an athlete."

But beware. Not everyone thinks it's worth putting in all that time.

"Don't bother," advised singer/songwriter Art Bergmann, who, despite three critically acclaimed albums, can barely pay his phone bill.

"Stay at home and play piano for your mother. You'll have a rapt audience for life."

LESSON NO. 2: Choose Your Weapon

Generally speaking, play the instrument that suits you best. And please, if you can't sing, don't.

It is true, however, that a bad voice doesn't mean you can't be an influential rock vocalist. Look at Bob Dylan or Iggy Pop. You don't have to be comprehensible, either.

"I wanted to be a lead singer, you know, and write songs, you know, and la de da," is how Iggy Pop fondly remembers his career choice.

"I had been a good drummer, but that's not being a singer, right?"

Whatever.

LESSON NO. 3: Leave Your Makeup At Home

"Image is something you work on after the fact," said Kim Blake, publicist for Bruce Allen Talent, the agency that has broken such acts as BTO and Bryan Adams.

"The most important thing is writing a great song and nothing more."

"It really doesn't matter who you are or what you look like," Bachman agreed. "That's been proven by Boy George, the Barenaked Ladies and guys like BTO who are great big construction-looking guys."

LESSON NO. 4: Find Help

Now that you've got your song, you're going to want to record a demonstration tape so the major-label record companies can listen to it (maybe), get excited about it (if you're lucky) and heave it in the trash compactor (most likely).

Blake receives hundreds of demo tapes a week at the Bruce Allen Talent office.

"I don't even open them any more. Anything we listen to has to be solicited. It has to come from a label or an entertainment lawyer. There's so much crap."

Independent releases are another route. Though more costly ($5,000 is more or less the bargain-basement total cost of producing 1,000 CDs), they present a complete package.

Indies helped spark interest in acts such as R.E.M., Nirvana and Guns N' Roses.

BUT: "Being realistic, I'd say that maybe one or two per cent of artists putting out indies ever get signed by the majors," said Zulu Records owner Grant McDonagh, who has released and distributed dozens of Vancouver indies over the years and currently has Coal, Perfume Tree and Lung on his roster. "Independent means do-it- yourself, from promoting the album to setting up tours. If they think we're going to do it for them, it's not going to happen."

LESSON NO. 5: Say `Cheese'

Thanks to MTV and MuchMusic, recording contracts have to figure in additional costs for video production.

MuchMusic vee-jay Terry David Mulligan suggests that new bands with no dough hook up with young film-makers from art schools.

"These are people who have access to camera and film stock and are looking to enter the world of film," he said.

And what does TDM look for in a rock video?

"A lack of cliches," he said. "Please, no more babes, no more grimacing like you're having a bowel movement when you're playing your guitar."

LESSON NO. 6: Schmoozing the Media

Now that you've got your product, you're going to want some ink.

When dealing with music writers, repeated phone calls, belligerent demands and accusations regarding their parentage and/or sexual preferences will not win your way into their heart.

Personally speaking, cash works better than compliments and free booze works better than pithy quotes you stayed up all night rehearsing. Just kidding.

Seriously, regardless of how many people are in the band, send the one person - two at the most - who are semi-articulate, relatively candid and somewhat humorous.

Don't lie about your past or say stupid things like, "This one was inspired by Coleridge."

LESSONS NO. 7 & 8: Get a Bus / Toss the Contract

Travelling 5,000 miles through the dead of winter in a station wagon with four people you can't stand is not fun.

What? You're trying to save money, you say? Ha! Virtually every tour - except those by top-selling, established artists - loses money.

Cars break down, equipment explodes, clubs close, somebody OD's, you name it.

But the most common misconception for first-timers on the road is that signed contracts are actually valid. Try suing a club owner in Halifax for the $150 you needed six months ago to get back to Montreal and you'll know what I mean.

LESSON NO. 9: Scoring the Big Deal

There are countless musicians out there hopelessly convinced that once you sign a record deal, your troubles are over.

Think again, Jim. Your troubles are just beginning.

"A break-even point in Canada nowadays is platinum," said Dave Chesney, director of national marketing for Bumstead Productions and former marketing rep for Sony Music Canada.

"As we all know, all the money the record company gives you is recoupable and they're the first ones to get paid."

In essence, what Chesney is saying is that you must sell 100,000 albums in this country to clean off your debt to the label before you see a red penny.

No matter how much your mother loves you, she's not going to buy all those records.

LESSON NO. 10: So Where's My Cut?

Well, congratulations. You've finally made it. Singles on the radio, videos on MuchMusic, albums on the charts. All you need now is that Porsche 911, beach house in Malibu and American Express gold card.

"Yeah, right," said singer/songwriter Mae Moore, who recently released her second major-label album, Bohemia.

Two albums on a major label? That's two Porsches, right?

Ha!

"I'm on my second record with a major label and I've got $30 in the bank," Moore said. "I rent, I don't own a car and I just got a TV this year."